growing up I never let my emotions shown to anybody. I don't know, its just that each of my family members were doing that. We never said about love each other we rarely hugged each other, or never as I remembered. Let alone kisses, we never thought of that. We don't even cry in front of each other especially when watching sad dramas/ movies. We were going to mock each other if someone cried watching sad scenes.
it might contribute to what i am facing right now, i dont know how to tell others that I love or miss them. maybe my love language is not on showing affections. even when feeling down, we never talked about it. we just ignore it.
and now i’m feeling sad, but i dont know why & dont know how to tell anybody. the worst part is i dont have anyone to talk to, with me being not able to tell others that i need them or value them. i tend to push everyone near me. that might explain why i am still single now, at my age of 33 this year. it is not that there is nobody tried to approach me, the problem is me. i just seem cant imagine loving other people without emotions. i just dont want my significant other doesn't feel like he’s not being loved, being with me. it is gonna hurt him or both of us.
i know people will said ‘what hurt u so much’, ‘u have it better than anyone’, ‘ u dont have any problems’. the only problem i faced right now is, i dont know which direction should i go to. i am jobless, with no side income, no partner. i dont know what is gonna happen to my life. feel like i’m lost & my life shattered. i’m not going to say that i regretted my decision to resign from my job, i’m not. actually. i am just dont know what should i do right now. i dont like my previous jobs, but i dont know where should i go to. i dont have any talents, any passion, any hobbies like others. am i broken? am i not human enough? what am i?
