Feeling lost

 growing up I never let my emotions shown to anybody. I don't know, its just that each of my family members were doing that. We never said about love each other we rarely hugged each other, or never as I remembered. Let alone kisses, we never thought of that. We don't even cry in front of each other especially when watching sad dramas/ movies. We were going to mock each other if someone cried watching sad scenes.

it might contribute to what i am facing right now, i dont know how to tell others that I love or miss them. maybe my love language is not on showing affections. even when feeling down, we never talked about it. we just ignore it.

and now i’m feeling sad, but i dont know why & dont know how to tell anybody. the worst part is i dont have anyone to talk to, with me being not able to tell others that i need them or value them. i tend to push everyone near me. that might explain why i am still single now, at my age of 33 this year. it is not that there is nobody tried to approach me, the problem is me. i just seem cant imagine loving other people without emotions.  i just dont want my significant other doesn't feel like he’s not being loved, being with me. it is gonna hurt him or both of us. 

i know people will said ‘what hurt u so much’, ‘u have it better than anyone’, ‘ u dont have any problems’. the only problem i faced right now is, i dont know which direction should i go to. i am jobless, with no side income, no partner. i dont know what is gonna happen to my life. feel like i’m lost & my life shattered. i’m not going to say that i regretted my decision to resign from my job, i’m not. actually. i am just dont know what should i do right now. i dont like my previous jobs, but i dont know where should i go to. i dont have any talents, any passion, any hobbies like others. am i broken? am i not human enough? what am i?

Jobless

 Today 15th May 2023 marked the first day of me being jobless since my last day working was on last Friday. Being in new company for about 7 months, really drained me out & I’ve resigned without any jobs lineup. It was a big decision & might change my life forever. 

Today I was sitting & thinking what should I do with my life & worry about my future. 

I am not blaming anyone or regretting my decision to change to new company because i’ve been wanting to remove myself from the environment that require me to answer customers via whatsapp. Haha its funny rite. But i dont know why i do feel anxious whenever i received texts from customers & calls from them. Its funnier when you have been working as customer service for more than 9 years. This has become worst after pandemic. I dont know why, but i do really hate answering customers. Just when i thought it will be better if i change company, but i did worst. This kind of jobs doesnt suit me anymore. I just wanna change.

I know doing customer service doesn’t bring the best out of me. i always know i can do better than this. But i dont know what it is or how.  I really hope that this decision can be a stepping stone for me to learn a lesson, new skills & improve myself. 

I'm a failure

I always want to write. But most of the time i will always write only in my mind.

I want to write about how i miss my mother, how i feel like I'm a failure, how do I hate my job,,bla bla blaa.. I do hate my job, since long time ago and until this very day. But i don't have the nerve to change to other company. I just don't know. I do not want this kind of same career. I just wanna work, but different career. But what kind of job i need. I don't know.. 😢

Can i still change my career. I don't have skills most people have. I don't have anything i should have. 😞

closed door

have u  ever closed the door tightly. and suddenly someone that make you close the door, came and knocked on the door.
but you know that you shouldn't let the person in, u clearly know what is going to happen next.
but you still let him in.
u know it's going to hurt not only yourself, but others too. but u still do it.

have u ever feel like you hate everyone. everyone is getting on your nerves that day. you feel like you wanted to be alone, play the music loud. not talking to anyone.
because everyone is so hateful. everyone is being so idiot.
i post something about dealing with stupid people on my status today.
my old friend, texted me, she faced the same thing. she let it out to her boss. the boss advise to read the holy Quran. her boss is not Muslim. but she believes that there must be some pages on Quran or holy book that will calm our heart. what a great advise that we got today.
we have to balance back everything in our life, not only adding knowledge, but we must nurture our relationship with Allah, next will be humans and the other living things.
think about the value of what we have lost all this while....

Travel.

People travel everywhere. But; why they are travelling, where they are travelling, what they are searching for, how they are travelling is much different from each other. 

For me, it is not about chasing for low fare tickets, not for the sake of taking photos & telling people, I went to this & that place. Not for just enjoying the foods & shopping for souvenirs.  

I want to travel & go to the place that I always dream of. I want to learn the culture. I want to know if the reality is the same as what I always saw on the screen & the truth on the bad stories that I heard of. Regardless how far the place is, how much I need to spend on, or how long i need to wait for. 

For me travel must worth my time, my money. 

The priceless experience that I will get from the trip; is what I thirst for. 

Vietnamese Spring Roll- first try

nampak sedap x? inila vietnamese spring roll, 1st try..

semua disebabkan terpengaruh dengan post2 kat insta & facebook..me n sis pun try sbb nmpak mcm sedap, n trust me, it really is DELICIOUS.. sebab tu nak post kat sini, walaupun da few days buat. sebab teringat pasal makanan ni. 

simple je nak buat popia vietnam ni, yang penting ada rice paper tu. utk inti kat dlm tu bole isi apa2 je ikut selera masing2..utk kali ni, isi dalam tu ktorg guna:

udang

isi ketam

daun salad (lettuce)

soohun

tapi... kalau nak lagi sedap, kena la cicah dgn sos nya.. klau nak senang pakai je sos cili thai. tp haritu xde sos cili thai, jd kena buat sos sndri.. resepi sendiri je:

cili blender

bawang putih

gula perang

air

sos cili

kacang tanah hancur

selamat menjamu selera... :)